When Did “I Don’t Mind” Become Your Default Answer?

How often do you say “I don’t mind” when actually… you do?

Sometimes it really doesn’t matter. But sometimes “I don’t mind” becomes automatic. We consider what everyone else wants, what will keep things easy, what will avoid disappointment, and forget to ask ourselves one simple question:

What do I want?

In this episode of Loved Without Losing Yourself, I introduce The Return Project: an exploration of the small behaviours that can quietly take us away from ourselves, and the behaviours that help us find our way back.

We look at:

•  why being accommodating can become such a deeply ingrained pattern,
•  what it may have been protecting, 
• and what happens when we become so considerate of everyone else that we stop considering ourselves.

If this conversation felt familiar, you may recognize more of yourself in my book Claws Out. You’ll find the link in the show notes.

The woman you’re looking for is still there.

This podcast is part of my deeper work supporting women who are capable, accomplished, and exhausted from overgiving, overcarrying, and losing themselves inside the life they’ve built.

If you’re ready to go deeper, here are a few ways to begin:

Take the Burnout Assessment
Explore my book, Claws Out: Thriving in a World That Wants You Tamed
Book a Reset Session with me and get clear on the deeper reason behind your pressure, confusion, or emotional exhaustion.

Transcript

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Penelope Magoulianiti 0:00

Where do you want to eat? I don't mind. What do you want to watch? I don't mind. What time works for you? Whatever works for everyone else. How often do you say I don't mind when actually you do? Hold that thought for a moment because before we go further today, I want to tell you about something new. It's called the Return Project. Welcome to Laughed Without Losing Yourself. Before we get into today's episode, I want to tell you about this new project I'm working on. And actually, it's not completely new. It has been growing in my mind for quite some time through my work with women, through conversations I've had, through what I've observed, and through some of the things I've had to look at in my own life too. And I'm calling it the Return Project because this project is based on one very simple belief. The woman you're looking for is still there. I think so many women reach a point in their lives where they say things like, I don't know who I am anymore, I've lost myself, I don't know what I want. I used to be different. And usually when that happens, we immediately start talking about becoming a new woman. We are thinking ways of reinventing ourselves. Find ourselves, create a new version of ourselves. But I am not sure that's always what we need because I don't think she disappeared. I think very often she got buried under responsibility, under motherhood, under relationships, under being the one that everyone depends on, the strong one, the one that copes all the time, the one who does a lot and still keeps everything together. The one who adjusts. And little by little, without necessarily realizing it, we can move further away from ourselves. And it has nothing to do with us being weak or because we made terrible decisions at some point in our lives. Often, the real reason is that the behaviors that took us there were behaviors that once helped us. They helped us to belong, they helped us to feel loved, they helped us to avoid conflict, they even helped us to succeed. But most importantly, they helped us survive difficult seasons. And that's what I want the Return Project to explore. I'm not going to keep trying to find out what is wrong with me. No, that's not the purpose of this series. What I have been doing, why did it make sense? And does it still serving me now? This is the question that I would like us to explore. So from now on, this podcast is going to become part of that investigation. Every week we are going to look at one behavior. Sometimes it will be something that slowly takes us away from ourselves. Sometimes it will be something that helps us come back. And we are going to look at it without judgment. And it's not going to be a therapy session. It's not going to be a step-by-step process. I am not going to give rules on how you should be living. I think we have society, culture, family to do this for us. We don't need another ruler to tell us how to live our lives. What I want us to do is to look at what is actually happening, why we do what we do, what we may have been trying to protect, what it is costing us now. And then I will give you one small thing to try, one practice, something you can take into your real life and observe for yourself. And as I said before, this project is not about fixing women. Its main objective is to understand ourselves well enough to recognize the moments when we leave ourselves, when we forget who we are. And when we realize that, then to learn how to stop doing that. So this is the beginning of the return project. And I think today's behavior is probably the perfect place to start. Three words that seem completely harmless. I don't mind. How often do you say them? When actually you do. You do mind. So as I said, if the return project is about noticing the small ways we live ourselves, I think these three little words are a very good place to start. I don't mind. So let's begin this episode by being honest with yourself. How often do you say I don't mind when actually you do? Maybe you would prefer something else. Maybe you are tired and you don't want to go out. Maybe you don't really want to do anything else other than sit in your couch outdoors, take a walk by the beach to relax. Maybe something he said bothered you. Maybe you would like him to take care of something for once. Maybe you want him to ask, to ask you, how are you? How was your day? How are you, honey? And before you give yourself time to even consider what you would want to do, what do you need right now at this moment? In your head, you've already adjusted to it's okay, I'll do it, don't worry, whatever you prefer. And I think this is the beginning of an interesting pattern. I don't think many of us wake up one day, one specific moment, and decide I am going to give my all, everything I have. I will adjust, I will change, I will accommodate. Of course not. What happens is gradually one adjustment every time, then another and another, and each individual adjustment seems completely reasonable until one day you realize that you have become very good at knowing what everybody else wants and not very good at knowing what you want. You have forgotten. And I want to be very careful not to turn this into another conversation about people pleasing. This word I think sometimes makes everything sound too simple. Stop people pleasing. Okay. But if we are, why we are doing it? Why did accommodating become so natural? Why did saying fine feel easier than saying what was actually happening? Sometimes, especially in long relationships, we start making tiny calculations and give lots of excuses and reasons to believe our reasoning. He's tired. Ah it's not worth an argument. He has a lot going on. The children are here. This isn't the right time. I will mention it later. I can't do it, I can do it myself. It doesn't matter that much. And sometimes I'm not saying that those calculations are not loving, they are. This is how we love another human being. But when the problem starts, where the problem starts is when your actions are taken so automatically that you are no longer included in the calculation. This is the difference because now compromise means I know what I want, you know what you want, and we decide what works for us. Where self-abandonment looks more like this. I already know what you want. So I don't even bother asking myself what I also want. This is the distinction that I want you to understand because it matters. And I think underneath this there can be something else, something I am calling the quiet bargain. And it's not conscious, I mean it it happens so automatically that we think it's the right way, but we need to understand that by doing this unconsciously we bargain with ourselves in some way. I want us to understand that when we say or when we think, if I am easy, things stay calm. I want us to consider if we are not asking too much because we want less friction. I want us to be honest with ourselves and think if when we don't complain, it means that we won't fight. If I can cope, it translates in I won't burden him. If I understand him, translates to maybe he will understand me too. If I keep the relationship comfortable, maybe the relationship will be safe. And I want to stay here because this behavior has nothing to do with weakness or the other person being cleverer or more worthy. Sometimes this behavior protected something very important for you. It might have been love, connection, peace, belonging. Maybe you grew up watching women accommodate everybody. This was my story. I watched generations of women accommodating everybody. Maybe being a good wife meant not making too much noise. Maybe every time you expressed a need, you were told you were demanding. Maybe your partner withdrew when things became uncomfortable. Maybe you hate conflict and you so you do everything to avoid it. Maybe you become very good at reading other people's moods, his mood. Or maybe nobody taught you that you could love somebody deeply and still remain separate enough to have your own preferences, disappointments, anger, needs, and desires. There are so many reasons this can happen. And I don't want to sit here telling women you should have spoken up. That's too easy. It's much more interesting, sorry, in understanding when I'm asking, what were you trying to protect by staying quiet? This is the cost I want us to explore. Because we are staying quiet to protect something. If you're willing to have a closer look, it's not going to be easy on you. You might uncover feelings that you have been suppressing. You might become sad, angry, regretful. But you may realize that the behavior that protects the relationship that keeps these negative feelings, these feelings that you are trying to avoid away at one stage can start hurting you, your health, and your relationship later. Because if I continually edit myself before you meet me, then eventually you are relating to an edited version of me. You are not necessarily doing anything wrong. You may genuinely believe I am okay because I keep telling you I am okay. I keep saying, do whatever you want, I don't mind. It's not a problem. And as years go by, I start feeling unseen, and I start complaining, and I start feeling resentment and anger, and then I start distancing myself, closing off, not telling you how I feel, and the thoughts kick in. Why doesn't he know what I want? Why doesn't he think of me? Why do I always have to accommodate him? Why does nobody ever ask what I need? These questions, I know them very, very intimately. And believe me when I say this, there are times that anger is completely justified. Sometimes the relationship really is one-sided. Sometimes one person really does take too much. But there's another possibility I think we need to be brave enough to look at. The possibility that have I become so good at hiding what I want that I am now angry, nobody can see it. It's very uncomfortable, isn't it, when you think it this way. But I think this is the work that we need to do. And I'm not saying everything must be your responsibility. But I want to give us the chance to take the power back, your power back, because there is power in recognizing the part that belongs to you. Because if I helped make myself invisible, I can start making myself visible again. And there is something else here that we don't often talk about because probably we don't think it or it's a taboo, and that's desire. What happens to desire when a woman spends years accommodating? If we are talking about sexual desire, then that desire drops 100%. I know I've experienced it, I'm not in the mood, I have a headache, not now. There is this connection. But if we look at desire in general, and that desire translates to what do I want? Where do I want to go? What do I feel like doing? What turns me on? What excites me? What do I hate? What do I miss? What will I choose? These are all expressions of aliveness. An aliveness is an important part in every relationship, an important part in our life, in how we live our life. And if you continually push down preference, eventually you can start becoming disconnected from desire itself. Then when someone finally asks you, What do you want? You don't know. And I've heard so many women say that I don't even know what I want anymore. Your life had become a routine around someone else's needs and wants, and you have forgotten what you are craving, what makes you feel fulfilled, what fills your cup, what makes you feel alive. I don't want to perceive it as there is nothing there. I think sometimes it means the signal has been ignored for so long that it has become very quiet, but it's still there, buried underneath routine responsibilities, wrong beliefs, too many expectations. But there is a signal, you just have to devote time to find it. Or maybe you just need a little bit of quiet time to start listening again. So this week, I don't want you to go into your relationship and suddenly announce 20 things you're unhappy about and that you're gonna stop doing, and that the other person was ungrateful and they were selfish. No, no, no, no. Start smaller. Notice a moment, one tiny moment when you will normally automatically accommodate and make one visible preference. Once a day this week, notice when you are trying to accommodate. This is when the minute you notice it, instead of accommodating, you ask, What do I actually want here? Maybe the answer is as simple as I would actually prefer to stay home today, tonight. I want to sit outside and enjoy the sunset. I don't want to feel like watching this movie. I would like you to do this tonight. You know what? That comment really bothered me. I need some space to make this statement, whatever feels right for you, whatever the situation is, and then notice what happens inside you. Do you panic a little? Do you immediately want to take it back? Do you explain this behavior for five minutes? Do you say, but honestly, it doesn't matter? I want you to observe your reaction. I want you to observe the feeling that comes up. I want you to observe how your body reacts. Because the practice is not about getting your own way. Your partner can still say no. You can still compromise. You also can change your mind. But the point I want to make here is this: you expressed your own want. You made one visible preference. And that's very important. So the question I want to leave you with today is this where in my relationship have I mistaken being easy to love for being easy to accommodate? And don't answer this question only for your intimate relationship. We are in relationship with so many different people. Are you accommodating in those relationships? And maybe there is another question. Once you answer this, there is another question underneath. What have I been afraid might happen if I become more visible? The real reason that you're doing this, the hidden reason, the one that we don't want to explore, we don't want to bring up to the surface. This is what I had for you today. I hope you found it very helpful. I want you to start paying attention to your behaviors. And if this conversation felt familiar, you may recognize yourself in close out. I wrote this book after speaking with women about the ways we learn to become, what everybody else needs, and what can happen when we stop asking who we are underneath all of that. So if you want to continue this conversation privately in your own time, you will find the link for close out in the show notes. This week, just notice yourself, especially in those tiny moments when you are about to say, I don't mind. Instead, ask, what do I want? The truth is the woman you're looking for is still there. You have to decide to devote time to remember her. I will see you next week. Much love.