The Automatic Yes That Costs You

If you find yourself saying yes before you’ve even checked in with yourself, don’t miss this episode.

Many competent women don’t lose themselves in one big moment. They lose themselves through an automatic yes, the small reflex that looks responsible on the outside, but slowly trains you to disappear on the inside.

In this episode, I’m naming what’s really happening beneath the surface:

• When your nervous system chooses safety over truth
•  When “being easy” becomes your way of avoiding conflict
•  When your needs become optional—and your self-respect starts to erode
•  And why love that requires you to disappear becomes a transaction

Then I’ll guide you through one simple 24-hour practice to interrupt the pattern without burning your life down:

Pause → Name the truth → Make one aligned choice.

Self-trust doesn’t begin with a dramatic transformation.
It starts with one clean moment of loyalty to yourself.

My wish for you this week: that you stop paying for love with self-abandonment and you come back to yourself in one honest moment. 

This podcast is part of a deeper body of work supporting women who are capable, accomplished, and emotionally exhausted from overgiving.

If you’d like to explore what this work looks like in a more personal way, you’ll find the next step below.

Take the Burnout Assessment here.

Learn more about my book Claws Out, Thriving in a World That Wants You Tamed on this link.

Transcript

If you’ve been listening to this podcast, you already know this isn’t about confidence hacks. It’s not “say these affirmations and you’ll feel better.”

This is about what actually happens to capable women behind the scenes.
 Because most high-achieving women don’t lose themselves overnight.
 They don’t wake up one morning and decide, “Today I’m going to abandon myself.”

They lose themselves in small moments.
 In tiny decisions that feel harmless.

A message comes in and you answer… even though your body says no.
 Someone asks for something and you say yes before you even breathe.
 You feel something is off in your relationship… but you swallow it because you don’t want to create tension.
 You’re tired… but you keep going because stopping feels like failure.

And it has nothing to do with you being incapable.
 The problem is that you’ve learned very intelligently how to stay safe through performance.
 How to stay needed through over-functioning.
 How to stay liked through being “easy.”
 How to stay in control by not wanting anything too openly.

So today I want to give you one insight… and one simple action.
 It’s not a lecture. Neither is a long list.
 I want to give you something you can actually apply and feel the difference.

Here’s the insight:

You are living inside an automatic yes.
An automatic yes that looks responsible on the outside but quietly trains you to disappear on the inside.

You are making micro-agreements every day.
 And they sound innocent. Responsible, even.

They sound like…
 “I’ll handle it. It’s faster if I do it.”
 “It’s not worth bringing up.”
 “I’ll just push through.”
 “I don’t want to disappoint them.”
 “I’ll rest later.”

And underneath those sentences, there’s usually a deal. A deal that you don’t say out loud, and it usually sounds like this:

“If I do this… then I’ll be safe.”

Safe from conflict.
 Safe from rejection.
 Safe from being seen as selfish.
 Safe from being misunderstood.
 Safe from not being needed.
 Safe from the discomfort of asking.
 Safe from the discomfort of being honest.

Why adopt this strategy?

Because for many women, this strategy was survival.
 At some point, being honest cost you something.
 So you became skilled. You became capable. You became impressive.

But over time this is what happens: 

Every micro-agreement you make that goes against your truth doesn’t just make you tired.
 It teaches your nervous system a standard:

“My needs are optional.”

And that is not a small thing.

Because when your needs become optional… your self-respect becomes fragile.
 Your intimacy becomes complicated.
 Your desire gets quieter.
 Your joy becomes conditional.

You don’t just lose energy.
 You lose clarity.
 You stop trusting yourself.

You become efficient… but not alive.
 Reliable… but not intimate.
 Successful… but not present.

And I’m going to say something very important to understand and remember:

This behaviour isn’t a personality trait.
 This is a pattern.

And patterns can be interrupted. And the way you interrupt them is with a decision.

“Loved Without Losing Yourself” isn’t a nice phrase that I chose to represent this podcast. It’s a practice that  I wish for you to embrace, learn, and practice over and over until it becomes part of your reality. 

Love that requires you to disappear isn’t love.
 It’s a transaction.

And the moment you see the transaction clearly, you get choice back.
 You get power back.

Let me share with you one strategy that will help you kick-start this process.

I call it: Pause → Name the truth → Make one aligned choice.

For the next 24 hours, I want you to commit to practicing this once.
 Why only once?

Because we are not trying to overhaul your life in a day.
 We are building self-trust one moment at a time.

So here’s how it works.

First: Pause.

Before you respond, before you try to fix, agree to something, explain or accommodate — pause.
 Pause for two seconds. Take a long breath.

That pause is a pattern interrupt.

It’s you stepping out of autopilot.
 It’s you refusing to abandon yourself automatically.

Then: Name the truth.

Ask yourself:
 “What is true for me right now?”

And answer in one sentence. One clear sentence.
 You don’t have to say it out loud yet.

Something like:
 “I’m exhausted and I need thirty minutes alone.”
 “I don’t want to commit to this right now.”
 “I feel tense saying yes.”
 “I actually need support.”
 “I’m not okay with this.”

And then: Make one aligned choice.

A small choice.
 The smallest action that honors the truth you just named.

So… if the truth is: “I don’t want to commit,”
 the aligned choice might be:
 “Let me check and come back to you.”

If the truth is: “I need rest,”
 the aligned choice might be:
 “I’m going to lie down for 20 minutes. I’ll continue after.”

If the truth is: “I need support,”
 the aligned choice might be:
 “Can you handle this part today?”

If the truth is: “I’m not okay with this,”
 the aligned choice might be:
 “I want to talk about something. I don’t want to fight, I want to be honest with you.”

And here is the part I want you to really understand:

You are doing this to stop training yourself to disappear.

Because every time you make one aligned choice, you are sending a message to your system:

“I am safe with me.”
 “My truth matters.”
 “I don’t have to earn love by abandoning myself.”

That is not small. That is identity work.

And I know what some of you are thinking—
 “But if I don’t do it, everything collapses.”

So let’s be intelligent about this.

Start where it’s believable.

Not: “I’m changing my whole life.”
 But: “I am delaying my automatic yes.”

That alone will change your life over time.
 Because your life is built on what you do automatically.

So just imagine this for a second:

If you keep living in the automatic yes for the next year…
 the result you are creating is not just for you to stay tired.

You become more disconnected from your body.
 More resentful of your responsibilities.
 More numb in your relationship.
 Less available for joy.

And you’ll look back and think, “How did I get here?”

But if you interrupt it, one moment at a time, 
 your self-trust returns.
 Your clarity returns.
 Your energy returns.

And yes, your relationships change because you stop negotiating your truth as the price of peace.

So if this episode touched something tender, here’s what I want you to take with you:

You do not need a dramatic transformation to come back to yourself.
 You need a decision . . . repeated.

A pause.
 A truth.
 A choice.

And if your mind is saying, “This is too small to matter,” I want you to remember this:

Your life is built in small moments.
 So is your self-respect.
 So is your intimacy.
 So is your peace.

So here’s my wish for you this week:

That you stop paying for love with self-abandonment.
 That you choose one small act of loyalty to yourself today and let it be enough.

Because once is how self-trust begins to build.

And if you want a clear next step after this episode, take the Balance or Burning Out Assessment. The link is in the show notes.

For now… start here:

One pause.
 One truth.
 One choice.